Wordiness and Intentions (beta)

Here's some music! (Lyrics are in the video description on youtube!)

Time for a hopefully quick update on life & the way things are going. Still haven't had time to give support to all of my wonderful followers. I just watched a podcast from some old guy in South America or something talking about vampires & equating it to energy and love and all that. You guys keep giving me love even though I haven't been able to return it for a while!! So thank you, and sorry for being a vampire. Unless you like that kind of thing. You're welcome if that's the case. And I am sparkly, but only sometimes. So there's that.

Life is beginning to return to "normal" I think. Well, I've been having ideas about posts, anyway. I was just thinking earlier how "normal" doesn't really exist. I guess it would equate to "average" in a statistic sense, but average doesn't really mean much! I get hung up on that a lot, I think. Because I'm very detached from any sort of community, so if I just get to average or normal, at least I will be a part of something!

And that's not true, I'm a part of a handful communities (both online and in real life!). I've just been too preoccupied to give any of them the time I think they deserve, so I've just been one of those exterior people who shows up, when I'd rather be a part of the core. Ah, the core. I've always wanted to be a part of that....

Speaking of what I've always wanted...... OOOOOOO. I've been having problems with jealousy lately!!! It's just been all over the place.

• Jealous of people who don't have kids or significant others because they have so much time!! Oh, the wonderful things I would do if only I had the time!!!
• Jealous of people who have kids and, I swear, it's like EVERYBODY helps raise them. Like, everyone around is another parent who is so supportive and helps if things are going wrong. But no one crosses any lines! GAH!!! Please, guys, help us too! How do WE not have that sort of environment!!
• Jealous of family members totally preferring other family members over us. Which is fine. I totally understand people sometimes just prefer certain people over others and it's nothing personal. But WAAAHHHH don't you care???
• Jealous of people who know how to win board games. LOL. I'm not really a sore loser, but loss after loss after loss after loss after loss, when I don't feel like I'm winning anywhere else is starting to wear on me.
• Jealous of people WHO CAN TALK. I've always been a total introvert. Not very confident in my ideas, because my ideas are strange and I haven't figured out how to frame them in more acceptable terms.
• Jealous of people with support systems!!! Oh how falling would hurt so much less if someone was just there to give a pat on the back and say "At least you tried!"

The funny thing is.... all these things that other people have but "not me" (pouty pout pout)...uhhh I totally have them!

I've been so fascinated lately about creating my own reality. Which I do, a little bit. It takes courage, which is new to me. Regarding the energy I was speaking about earlier (you know, the vampire stuff) I never realized that you have to give in order to get. Well, I did, but I thought it was only limited to material things, or something. I've always had a much better grip on the physical world than the weird spiritual emotional one. Which I think actually enhanced my spirituality oddly enough, but I digress.

When I was like 5, I was in a "summer camp" thing at a local park... Really it was just a fancy name for "babysitting during the summer while you're not in kindergarten," it wasn't overnight or anything. And I didn't know anyone. There was this boy who I thought was SO AWESOME, and did I introduce myself to him? No. Did I talk to him? Oh, jeez.. No! Did I even talk about how awesome I thought he was to other people? Nope! I followed him! I followed him around the playground! I was waiting for him to notice me and say "Hi! You wanna play?" Did he ever say that... hahahahahaha NO. No. He said, "STOP FOLLOWING ME!!"

Noooo.... I died. I was trying so hard to be friends!!! Following him everywhere!!!! WHYYYY WHYYYYY. Oh, I was so sad.

Oddly enough, I didn't seem to really learn anything. Maybe... "Don't let the people you're following know you're following them (but somehow obviously they'll still notice you?). WHAT? That makes no sense.

So.... just now, over a quarter of a century into my life, I've finally figured out that if I want something, I have to create an environment for it to happen. Heck, I might even have to MAKE IT HAPPEN. I can't just sit and wait for it.

I mean, I've sort of known it, a few times, but haven't really implemented it well, or I kind of forgot it, or I did it but I was alone in a forest so nobody heard, and therefore it didn't make a sound.

Now my  problem is actually doing it.  I literally have to unlearn so much. And then find out what it is that I actually want.

In school, I was the perfect student. 

I never asked questions. I was quiet. I got A's and B's... sometimes C's if I really needed help but never asked. But for the most part, I was always on the honor roll. I was in Who's Who Among American High School Students 3 years in a row. I played the flute in marching band my freshman year, I had been playing since 4th grade and even had private lessons! But I quit because I found out I was supposed to be in Orchestra class or something, and in that class everyone was required to do solos in front of the whole class. And the band was like 100 people. So I quit because I might mess up. It wasn't an easy A. I even was in an honors class, which I bombed [read: "got a C"] only because I was trying too hard and, again, never asked for help.

Great. Thank you school for all of the amazing life lessons you taught me. [/sarcasm] Like shut up, sit down, and do what we say. There's one of the reasons we decided to unschool our kids right there. I don't really think making that a daily habit is going to help my kids realize their potential.

I can't wait to write posts about unschooling. Honestly, it's so awesome. It will be even more awesome once we get into the unschooling scene in the city we just moved to. I am sooo excited for my kids. ^_^

Honestly, I'm uncomfortable talking about my kids here though. Because I often talk about my fears and worries and shortcomings. It's my only outlet for these things for now. There is no greater fear to a mom than to have someone say they aren't raising their children correctly. Or maybe there is... haha... there are a TON of fears that come with parenthood. (*cringes thinking of some of them*)

But I'm really into transparency, and not propagating the many lies and omissions and assumptions about parenthood and life in general that are still prevalent in many societies today. Of course, we're not normal (or average), but neither are you. We're just people, derpin around, trying to do our best. And that's fascinating. I can't wait to make more and more connections as my confidence grows and I meet more people and OH MAN, getting up the courage to just approach strangers and listen to their views on life.... I can't wait!!

Here's one of my example baby steps (gotta learn to walk before I can run, amirite?), on my excursion yesterday (partly documented in the video below) over on the "rich" side of town (we live on the "poor" side of town, but while wandering the 'hood trying to brighten it up with my smile and pink hoodie, too many tweekers started conversations [3 is enough LOL - They seem to be the only ones brave enough to approach others, lol, but they're just trying to fuel their addiction] ...sooo I went over to the rich side for a break).

There was an old woman sweeping her sidewalk, just getting out a trash bag to put the pine needles in, and I offered to hold the bag for her, just to make her day a little easier. As if it wasn't easy enough, she's on the rich side of town after all, but honestly I think lots of money /= easy life. She was appreciative, but a little worried, I think. People seem to make a lot less eye contact over there. I just want to let the world know that there's good stuff, and people to help. Whether or not I get help in return, I still value helping others to the best of my ability. All is not lost.

NEWS!!!!!!

Made a video on the spur of the moment yesterday, check it out:



Making intentions public is something I've found all over the internet to help get something done, but according to Derek Sivers (who is awesome, awesome, awesome - go soak in everything he's written, watch his TED talks. You might want to take a vacation, it'll be a while) "Tests done since 1933 show that people who talk about their intentions are less likely to make them happen. Announcing your plans to others satisfies your self-identity just enough that you're less motivated to do the hard work needed." =O So I better watch out. If I haven't been a part of Triathalon by July, kick my butt and make me do it, K? ^_~

Also, if you're interested in my intent, check out 5 Reasons You Should Do A Triathalon This Year by Joel Runyon (another person whose blog you should soak up like a sponge, IMO).

Also, I wanted to mention really quickly how great it is hanging out with awesome and influential people. Our housemate/landlord/friend person is one of those people who is just great and gets things done. We've got a couple of other contacts that are just.... mindblowingly awesome. Better than any celebrity. It's amazing. And just going out into the community, in the small amount that we have, and being in touch with these great people and having them talk to us and be interested in us (and one of them even told me I was HOT!) has really kept us going. It's like we owe it to them to be awesome, lol. It's great.

Okay I'll stop there. I hope you guys all have great weeks and weekends and can find the awesomeness in all the moments that don't seem so great. :D <3