SOC* - Thoughts On Giving 100%, Filing for Unemployment, and Poverty

*SOC= Stream of Consciousness


Supposed to be working on my 3 job searches for unemployment - I was, but somehow I ended up here. So I thought, "Hey, why not make a blog post."

So are thoughts supposed to be in quotes?

Kinda feel like this blog is crappy... sorry bout that. Maybe it's just one of those days, and my blog is just fine. Haven't been giving my all to it though - it's been so frustrating. The blog's not frustrating; it's the "not giving my all" part that's frustrating.

I'm getting better at at least pushing through and finishing things that I'm not giving my all on though. And that might be an important thing. Maybe. It's not feeling right though. Maybe it's just because it's outside of my comfort zone.

I mean, which is better?
-Staring something with gusto and then losing motivation and not finishing? Finished projects all over the place?
-Or starting something that you know is good and just pushing through the loss of motivation- getting through the mucky part - and then really having something awesome at the end?

And if the second is the better one, should I really be showing the public my boring rants like this? I mean, it kind of seems uninteresting and not for the greater good?

Another question: Is showing this "weakness" something helpful to other people - so they don't just see the top 10% of the world and don't compare themselves to the top 10% - because I mean there's a 90% chance that you're not in the top 10%, and if you are in the top 10%, you're not in the top 10% in every life category. So don't worry if you suck at some things. Maybe being persistent at a sucky idea will be enough to turn it into something good. Pandora was rejected over 300 times by the VCs before getting funding. And I don't know who the VCs are, or what VC even stands for. lol

Is it okay to suck at things occasionally? Or if you're sucking, should you just give up and hide it under the rug?

Hmm. 

On that note, back to unemployment. Gotta do my 3 weekly applications. Hard to get the motivation to do so because I really don't want to work. But I want unemployment benefits.

Well, I do sort of want to work. Just in an awesome place. Sounds like it might be nice to be out of the home. But scary. Maybe some extreme part-time. Think I'm supposed to be searching for full-time employment though. Damn. Money. It sucks. Wanna get away from it, but shit, I wasn't ready yet.

Lost my job last month... don't really have the 3 months' worth of earnings saved up like I'd  have liked. Don't really have emergency money. Didn't get a house bought first. So it doesn't feel good. Not in my comfort zone again.

Not that $800/month for a family of 4 can't be done. Not that we have to be depressed about making more money than millions of people on the earth. Seriously, how many people on this earth make the equivalent of 800 US dollars and up? Let's see if we can find a map.

Here is a list of countries by percentage of population living in poverty - poverty being defined as less than $2 per person per day. Our family of 4 living on $800/month leaves about $6 per person, three times the international poverty line - and that's not even counting our increased $600/month in food stamps and random income we get from computer repair and odd jobs. And America and other rich countries think it's so impossible and bad, lol We have increasingly been of the belief that life under the poverty line is actually more enjoyable, because you are less worried about getting paid and more worried about just living life. However, our greedy lifestyle has actually been raping underdeveloped countries of their natural habitat, making it virtually impossible to live without money, because fucking food can't even grow there anymore because we destroy the land and take all the water. WTF.

/endrant


Right.  Onto the unemployment stuff.

Stream of Consciousness - Audio Post!

Attempting an audio post today... it was kinda fun. :D Dunno if it will work or not... I might have to fix this later... Never uploaded audio to blogspot and I haven't the time to actually make a video out of it or find out how to just do the audio part. So hopefully it works. :D

Edit: OMG, Fine, I will make a video. Jesus. Why can't I just upload an audiophile? :(

In this post:

Mint.com

Add me on instagr.am! Tracerz is my username :D

Stream-of-Consciousness Writing: Kids

That's what it's called! "Stream of Consciousness!!" That sounds way better than "Train of Thought." I don't know what I'd do without Google. Actually I'd probably be fine, I'd just have to think a little harder. ^_~

Today's topic is Kids. I wanted to share something I've realized lately...

When I was younger, I never really liked kids. Even when I was a kid I didn't really like most kids. I had a few friends, but a swarm of kids screaming at the park and similar situations have always just bothered me.

For most of my teenage years, I was convinced that I would never have kids... because I mean... what do you *do* with them? They are so crazy! I would rather live my life in calm solitude (I was an only child, after all)... or not solitude, but I would at least always have a choice.

And then, like any teenaged girl with low self-esteem, I became pregnant at 19. Long story short, I decided that I would now live for my son and not for others (I talked briefly about not living for others last post). I've now realized that to optimize what life has to offer, I have to live for my self first, family second, and others third. I was about to say, "Who cares about those other people!" But that would, in fact, be a lie on my part. I care deeply about the well-being of the people around me, but I'm finally realizing that it's not my job to make them happy, it's theirs.

But I LOVE being a mom. I'm pretty good at it, too. Having kids has very much changed my life for the better. I got my priorities in order because this beautiful life that had been created was now dependent upon my priorities.

Since I've had my second son a little over a year ago, oh wow, it has been so different than when my first son was a baby. I've gotten much more caught up in the "shoulds" and the "what-if's" and I haven't really been able to be as present as I'd like to be. I don't feel too bad though. This is apparently what happens when most people become parents, and somehow I'd escaped that on my first round.

Someone told me once,
"I heard that when you have your second kid, your brain turns to spaghetti."

So, this is the paradox (actually probably not really a paradox, but I like that word): The separation between "kid" and "adult" is stress. When I'm stressed and not grounded and stuck in my head, I simply don't connect with my kids. I interact and talk with them, but not really get on their level. I skip over the whole "putting myself in their shoes" part, simply because I'm just so busy.

And I find that to be true in a lot of different sort of relationships - the lack of connection between me and the outside world is due to the fact that I haven't been trying. And part of me says, "Of course I was trying!!" But I was trying too hard. I was stuck in my head. I needed to get out and try experiencing the world from the other perspective.

How would I feel if I was you? What would I want? What would make me happy?

Really that's what I should focus on when I want to nurture any sort of relationship, be it with my kids, Nebberz, friends, or even strangers. I doubt catering to their perceived wishes would even be necessary- I believe just the fact that I consider them is enough to really strengthen a bond or brighten someone's day.

Back to the original topic: I have recently realized that I'm afraid of kids. Not my own -- like I said, I'm a great mom and I've totally got that down -- but other kids. And other family members. And other people in general... I'm not sure how to act! Will someone be upset if I say no to ice cream? (Yes, that has happened on multiple occasions).

I've finally realized that I'm so afraid of what the rest of the world will think of my choices, that I just didn't want to deal with kids altogether. It really takes a lot of confidence to be able to make choices that so directly affect the life of another, and to be held accountable for your choice.

I've realized that I've been afraid of choice in general most of my life... probably why I've always favored routines. I haven't had many solid routines lately... and it's definitely shaken me and stressed me, but I think it's worth it to learn to be flexible.

I realize that these aren't very stream-of-consciousness, but I feel like some quotes are warranted. :D

"Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend."
~Bruce Lee

"If we think we hear, we no longer listen. If we think we see, we no longer look. If we think we know, we no longer search."

And take it one step further:

"If we 'think,' we no longer 'feel.' It's a good thing to be 'out of our minds!'"
~my friend, Patricia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just wanted to take a second to say thank you to my friend Nina. She knows why. :D  She has been an inspiration in my blog and life in general over the past few months. Thank you, Nina! I suggest you check out her blog, Castles In the Air. It's super-effective. :D

Train of Thought Writing

Well, dammit. I was going to attempt to do some timed writing of whatever just decides to spill out of my brain. I got all excited to use Ommwriter, because I haven't used it, but I always wanted a reason to. But this computer is a bit lacking and makes it clunky... and I thought they had a timer! But I see no timer! So, I'll just write in Blogspot's little "new post window" and try not to type for too long. Because I can probably go on forever.

FIRST! I want to thank Byakuya for asking a tough question on my last post... which I still fully intend to answer. :D So please visit one or all of his blogs here.

SECOND! Well since I'm praising my commenters,  D4 really needs some for his ultra-supportive comment. :D Yes the home birth happened in a dark room, and it was so quiet and calm and great! Still so happy about that - one of the best things in my life for sure. (Still need to write birth stories OMG!) Anyway, please give D4's wonderful blog, D4 and Music a visit and learn a thing or two. ^_~

Onward...

Oooohhh... smileys. And abbreviations (not the word I'm looking for but close enough). But you know. Stuff.  Like "OMG" and ":D" and "oooohhhhh." They are so eager to creep into my writing!!! But I don't really want them there. Because I'm SERIOUS. lol. See, there I go again! I'm sure there's a way to convey my feelings with simply real words.

But then again, "LMAO" will be an accepted "word" someday soon, I'm sure. Us Grammar Nazis (I do consider myself one, although I break the rules all the time LOL) have a hard time understanding that language is alive and fluid and it is constantly changing. I don't know how the Veteran Grammar Nazis do it. They have already lived through so many "rule changes" - how do they adapt so fast? Of course there are plenty that don't make it through the rule changes, and they just sit in a dark corner of their house for the rest of their lives, crying about how everyone is stupid.

Okay not really, actually. I hope.

I was going to mention that I think there is a much better name for what I'm doing than "Train of Thought Writing."  It totally left me once I sat down to type, though. Which is frustrating.

I'm actually a bit nervous about doing this blog. Mostly because my goal is transparency. And there's a lot of things that I don't necessarily want people to know about myself. Mostly I'm just afraid I'm boring or some conjuration of "not good enough." Which is annoying. And also I don't really want certain people knowing certain things about me (my family + my sex life?).

But all my life, all I've wanted was just the ability to BE MYSELF. Unapologetically, just ME. That's not to say that I would otherwise be apologetic. Ha. But I've always been so caught up in all of the rules and the "shoulds" and the "shouldn'ts" and, certainly not least of all, my desire to make everyone happy.

The internet has really been great in this regard - to see just HOW IMPOSSIBLE it is to make everyone happy. There's ALWAYS haters. No matter how great of a thing you are doing. The whole Food Not Bombs Florida Feeding Bans recently is a great example. There are countless examples...!

That reminds me, I have a friend with the perfect photo to use for this post. Hopefully she is fine with it. :S Tell me if you're not, girl... and I will totally take it off...

Take it off of my blog I mean. Not my clothes... Not 'till I'm as aesthetic as you at least. :D

Oh, Wow. (Optimization is Sexy)

This year has been crazy for us. I just lost my job a couple of weeks ago. I was planning on quitting once I moved, but they beat me to it. Maybe I'll write about it.

We are still trying to move. We finally got a real estate agent, but we're trying to get a loan for like $55,000 tops. We did get pre-approved for an FHA loan and, I believe, some sort of helper loan on Nebberz's disability income alone ($800/mo).

Yes, we are a family of 4 living off of $800/mo (US$) plus whatever else we can scrape up! It can be done, and it doesn't have to be That Bad.  We're kind of hoping to be an example for others to show you can "have everything" without a wasteful lifestyle. Optimization is sexy.

I've started selling things on eBay, he fixes computers for our friends. I'm hoping to have more time to devote here and perhaps consolidating and getting a .com. I signed up for a .tk, but I didn't have any traffic because I haven't been posting regularly.

I'm planning on doing some interviews. I have at least a handful of amazing people at my disposal that I think the world should learn about. =D Probably some essays like the posts written on Technicolor Typecast. Maybe videos. Infinite space is the limit! All I need to do is find the time and motivation.

Things have been unplanned and interesting and occasionally stressful, but we've been handling it like a BAWSE.

P.S -- Feel free to ask questions about our lifestyle, I would love to answer them in posts. We are EXTREMELY low-income (partly by choice), unschoolers (kids are 1.5 and 7 years), members of our local self-reliant and sustainability groups, and when we move we plan on trying out minimalism, or at least the 100-Thing Challenge. Oh, and my husband and I (though we are not "officially" married) have had a fantastic relationship over the last 5+ years of spending our lives together 24/7. And I had a homebirth. Damn, we do all sorts of different shit. Let me know what you'd like to read about.

Creative Outlet or Waste of Time?

I'm not going to grow up anytime soon

So, while waiting in the car for my family at The Y today, I decided to play around with instagr.am (an app that was brought to my attention by Everett Bogue) and some other free doodle/glow/neon picture app that I found. I ended up I was playing with it for an hour!

Disgruntled at The Y

Nebberz is always giving me shit for spending too much time on pictures... and, yeah, I probably do. I have this disorder where I have to do things really, really thoroughly.  Alright, I don't know if it's a disorder, but it seems like it sometimes. I just can't seem to half-ass things. Sometimes I can do things to about 80% doneness, but still I don't feel good about it. And if for some reason I do anything less than 80%, it just grates against my soul (which is why I need to quit my job...).

A penis and pot leaves = Classy

So in that hour of fooling with iPod apps and pictures, I only made 4 pictures. What? Why did it take so long?? This seems to always happen when I'm doing pictures. Thank the stars I haven't fooled with Photoshop or any serious imaging software -- my life would be sucked out of me by the computer.

Screw the kids - I'm fucking around on Photoshop! <3

But, at the same time, I would love it. I know I would. I don't pretend to be good at it (just because I like to give 110%, that doesn't mean I'm actually good at it!), but it's so much fun to me. And it's so much fun to a lot of people, which is why the market is saturated with photographers and image editors and stuff.

But here is the question I would like to pose:

What makes the use of time "worth it"?

Nebberz is an avid chess player and gamer in general. Sometimes he feels like he's wasting his time playing games, and he should be doing something less expensive/more profitable (or whatever his "purpose" in life is (if our lives indeed have a purpose) -- and could his purpose really be playing games?).  I reassure him that - bottom line - as long as it's making you happy overall, it's worth it. So, he keeps playing. Maybe someday he'll be a Grandmaster in chess because he practices and enjoys it so much. That would be awesome.

I have a hard time using the same logic on myself, though.

I have some pretty hardcore Mommy Senses which tingle (we unschool our two kids), and it turns out that I am also a bit of a neat freak. Strange... I thought everybody's home was spotless! That seems to not be so, and apparently I have a higher thresshold for what constitutes a clean house than most other people (not that my house is clean, it's just stressing me out all the time because I can't keep up with it as much as I would like). Maybe it's some retarded Housewife Senses that have been societally imprinted into my psyche, even though I try to avoid doing things just because it's what everybody else thinks that the type of person I am is supposed to do.

The Mommy and Housewife Senses tingling 24/7 kinda give me the feeling that I should put my passions on hold because I have duties to attend to. I mean, just imagine Peter Parker doing doing double duty as both Spiderman and Aquaman, but he decides he's just going to fuck around all day on Photoshop instead of saving the world? (Especially the people he loves.)

And that raises the question: Should I really be comparing myself to superheroes? Isn't that one of the reasons why women are so crazy? Will my family/house not be fine/better off if I stop answering to their every beck and call?  Maybe fucking around on Photoshop all day would teach my kids to give 110% effort working on things that they love - although my ego would love to feel immense guilt:  My family deserves that 110%.  Not to mention the probability of earning a living or getting recognition for time spent fucking around in Photoshop is relatively minuscule.

What about you?

Do you spend a considerable amount of time doing something you like with little or nothing to show for it? Do you feel like it's a waste of time? What do you think is required for something to be "worth doing"?

The Paradox of Choice

(cross-posted from Technicolor Typecast Daily)

See below to find out why this is such a superb time for me to share this TED talk with you:  

Barry Schwartz on the Paradox of Choice 

Here's a few key points I've transcribed (transcription is my day job, after all):

---
The Official Dogma of all Western Industrial Societies
If we are interested in maximizing the welfare of our citizens, the way to do this is to maximize individual freedom... The way to maximize freedom is to maximize choice. The more choice they have, the more freedom they have, and the more freedom they have, the more welfare they have.

We are blessed with the technology that enables us to work every minute of every day from any place on the planet.


What this means:
This incredible freedom of choice we have with respect to work is that we have to make a decision again and again and again about whether we should or should not be working. We can go to watch our kid play soccer and we have our cell phone on one hip and our Blackberry on our other hip and our laptop presumably on our laps, and even if they are all shut off, every minute that we are watching our kid mutilate a soccer game, we are all asking ourselves, "Should I answer this cell phone call?" "Should I respond to this email?" "Should I draft this letter?" Even if the answer to the question is "No," it is certainly going to make the experience of your kid's soccer game very different than it would have been.

All of this choice has two negative effects on people.

One effect, paradoxically, is that it produces paralysis rather than liberation. With so many options to choose from, people find very different to choose at all.

The second effect is that even if we manage to overcome the paralysis and make a choice, we end up less satisfied with the result of the choice than we would be if we had fewer options to choose from.

There are several reasons for this.

One of them is that, with a lot of different salad dressings to chose from, if you buy one and it's not perfect - and, you know, what salad dressing is? - it's easy to imagine that you could have made a different choice that would have been better. What happens is this imagined alternative induces you to regret the decision you made, and this regret subtracts from the satisfaction you get out of the decision you made, even if it was good decision. The more options there are, the easier it is to regret anything at all that is disappointing about the option that you chose.

The secret to happiness is low expectations.

When people make decisions and, even though the results of the decisions are good, they feel disappointed about them; they blame themselves. Clinical depression has exploded in the industrial world in the last generation. I believe a significant - not the only, but a significant - contributor to this explosion of depression, and also suicide, is that people have experiences that are disappointing because their standards are so high, and then when they have to explain these experiences to themselves, they think they are at fault. So the net result is that we do better in general objectively, and we feel worse.

There is no question that some choice is better than none.

But it doesn't follow from that that more choice is better than some choice. There is some magical amount; I don't know what it is. I am pretty confident that we have long since passed the point where options improve our welfare.
---

---

What a great TED Talk.  Even though I summarized it pretty well here, this is hardly the whole 20-minute Talk. I love the way this video seems to just keep getting better. My favorite part has to be the last half, and the last 2-3 minutes I didn't even mention but I agree with wholeheartedly.

It's so timely for me to post this because:

OMFG I AM OVERWHELMED LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

I don't know exactly how a motherfucker is overwhelmed, but let me tell you, it is very much so.

And it's all because there is so much damn choice.

I have to do that interview MikeDiva agreed to
First I have to settle on a design for Technicolor Typecast
Should we immunize our baby? 
Does anyone need their computer fixed?
When should we schedule our vet appointments? 
I still need to sell that stuff on Ebay...

There is just an endless list going through my mind, and unlike a cell phone or a laptop, I can't turn it off or leave it at home.

What makes our family awesome -

the unschooling,
the working at home,
the simplifying/decluttering/minimizing
the attempt to go relatively moneyless -

can also lead to a paralyzing freedom of choice if you don't have things in order somehow.

You've got to find a way to focus on what's important.
Because when you lose your focus, life can feel like chaos.

But 

Out of chaos comes order.

Hopefully that order becomes apparent soon, before my fucking head explodes.